a joyful blog

PERHAPS i could tell you stories of sad endings and a thousand tragedies that i have been through in my short life but i will choose not to…..

i could write stories using the most complex terms and peppered with figures of speech that will make you say ” huh? what? ano daw?” like a seasoned author-or one who wants to make others think s/he is a walking thesaurus but i’d rather choose the simplest of language to express my thoughts about the most important things to me……

i could actually paint to you the raves and the angst and the struggles of my sinful heart and all the complications that comes along with being a former slave to sin but i will spare you the added heaviness to your heart-besides,most blogs are angst-ridden to last you a lifetime anyways….

i could rant about my poverty, or my lack of a love life or the difficulties of practicing my profession-almost probono or the sufferings and the daily thousand deaths i experience in the narrow road i, by God’s sheer grace, am being enabled to walk on but i will not…
no, this is a blog of joy and finding the Source of true joy and all that comes along with finding an amazingly vibrant and real relationship with God through Jesus Christ for He and our relationship are the most important to me and it is my pleasure to lose my self with words as regards Him and His boundless love and grace for those who chose to be His…..
is it hypocritical to be joyful despite the struggles and the tension of the old and the new life??? not at all ….the apostle Paul did not think so- go over his letters to the colossian and the phillippian churches of old and you will discover that he has learned joy and contentment in the midst of tribulations so great and so vast you’d wonder how he was able to still say, “Rejoice in the Lord always!”
and if i can be able to redirect your focus from your self and all that you think you “deserve” in this life then my blog has served its purpose- lead you to the ROCK who is higher than all of us….

over it

“some things get lost;
some things just disappear…. “
-alice peacock-

I have been vacillating. On the one hand, I know that I have no right to make a judgment as to the whys and well, the wisdom of getting married faster than a gazelle’s run- only God and His ways have exclusivity to make such indictment as much as He has the sole choice to bless such a marriage and use it for His glory. Corollarily, I think I have the right to rave about the way I felt when I heard the news-after all, I did share practically my entire college days with him and have spent some time over the years on the thought of how I would feel should a former love marry first.

Sadly, there was no drama as I thought there would be. It’s as if what we had never happened and I did not even flinch in pain when his sister casually informed me that her brother got married some months back. Though whom he married was shocking, on hindsight, it actually did not surprise me-I always felt that he had a thing for her even when I thought it was me who was that girl for him.

I was totally perplexed at my lack of emotions…I am now starting to wonder if what the boy from nyc said ages ago was true- that I have a titanium heart. Seriously, I believe it was because of the truth that the girl who was willing to drop everything at his bidding and perhaps make all the necessary sacrifice just so he will be comfortable or happy has long died-and with that death, all feelings and emotions disappeared with her.

Though I do miss that girl I used to be sometimes, I would never trade who I am at the moment just for a glimpse of her. Yes, every one has to grow up some times and growth to a believer such as I meant growing in grace and Christlikeness, growing in the Word and in faith, growing in decision making and hopefully wisdom, and understanding what God through Jeremiah said that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked (17:9)….

The marriage of a former love and my lack of violent or painful reaction to it just confirmed the realization that I have long moved on and I have lost that yearning to be back in his life long before he entered his 3rd relationship after me.

Maybe, in a way, I have outgrown him as the girl who wanted him, by God’s grace, faded away over the years due to a stronger faith and myriad of new experiences. Yes, some things got lost. Some things just disappear. And it is alright to be someone new, even though it meant letting go of all that was once so very precious and emptying your vault of memories that took forever to forget.

The wisest man said that to everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heavens…a time to throw away stones; a time to lose, and a time to throw away. But there will also be a time to gather stones together, a time to get, and a time to keep…

And yes, afterwards, there will be a time to love.

Taking a break from a long vacation

E. Hubbard once said that “No man needs a vacation so much as the man who just had one”.I guess every one who has indeed spent days away from the city can relate to the fact that being alone in a beautiful place as Boracay is refreshing, if not liberating. And that going back to the mundane makes one long to go back to that vacation mode again.

I have been in “vacation mode” for almost a year now that it has become the humdrum for me. So what to do? Take that plane and take off-for a break!

I thank God for the freedom that He has given me to be free from the nine to six attachment that keeps a lot of people unable to appreciate or discover the most amazing sites the city has to offer-sunset at the Manila Bay or the way the city lights glow at night (I guess it isn’t fair to have the Bay and the Mall of Asia as one’s window view hehe J), that feeling of traveling back in time in old Intramuros or getting lost at the Binondo and Quiapo areas or discovering that cheap eat all you can Mongolian bowl inside the UP Campus.

However, going away from my “vacation mode” for a break was a much needed breathing space for me.

Celebrating my 32nd birthday gave me the “excuse” to go to Boracay alone for 4 albeit short days. As it always rains on my birthday, the hard downfall on my first day in the island was not a surprise but I did not allow it to prevent me from getting that incredible massage somewhere in station 1-I was so happy when I heard my back cracked-saved me from finding a chiropractor hehehe J…then, i discovered this little coffee shop owned by a European lady who at that time was being interviewed by Drew Arellano. No, I did not pose for a picture nor asked for his autograph. I just drank my coffee while reading The World Is Flat intently. Okay, so I did look, the place after all was practically a small nipa hut hahaha.

On my birthday the next day, God gifted me with the most amazing sunny day and on that day He was my “date”. For the first time in months (if not years), I had turned off my cell phone, fasted, read a Christian book from cover to cover, meditated on every chapter, wrote my impressions down, praised and thanked God, prayed-while facing the blue shores under the protection of a big umbrella of course J It was perhaps the best birthday ever.

That night, I discovered the best pasta at Arya’s-next to ate Nellie’s and my creations of course hehehe J their coffee shop also made me not wish that there was a Starbucks this side of bliss. Talking with my cousin Vida whom I shared a lot of birthday moments with when we were kids was a fitting way to end my night (or so I thought, no thanks to my sexy friend Via who just had to call me up at midnight J )..i was surprised at my cousin’s fiery reactions to some of the things we discussed until my cell phone’s battery gave up on us- but those are so not for a blog entry, after all, there are things that one has to keep personal in this flattened world where sharing of information is the norm and keeping secrets an exception.

Of course, I would not miss a tour of the island so that was how I spent my 3rd day. I did a lot of risk taking that day: I took the tour with new acquaintances, Max and Jin from Beijing, and with strangers; I wore Abi’s two piece gift ( inside my board shorts and transparent top that is J ); and most significantly, I jumped into the middle of the ocean and snorkeled at every chance albeit with life vest ( so you see, as much as I would have wanted to learn how to dive, my fear of the water is as of the moment greater than my desire to see what lies beneath).

I badly wanted to go para sailing but I kept seeing my mom’s face and how she would go crazy if I die doing it so I walked away from the challenge. Going to Boracay alone was enough scare for her, at least for that month hehehe J

I really don’t know why, but after the tour, all I wanted was to eat burger and fries-and it was a surprise to dig into the best tasting burger I’ve ever had in my life at a small burger joint in D Mall (somewhere near the ferris wheel). Just thinking about the food makes me want to go back! No wonder I’m packing in the pounds-the downside of being in “vacation mode” 24/7 hehehe J

At the end of it all, my Boracay holiday was God’s way of letting me see His perspective on my year long “vacation mode” phase and has made me remember once again that if my heart is set on the things of God, the things of this life does not seem so crucial to my happiness for God has ordained where I am to live and work out my daily life; He orders whether I will be rich or poor; He has designed my physical asset or lack thereof and the state of my health; He has determined if and when I will be single or married and whether I will stay in this vacation mode or dive completely into a busy stressful world that is full time work.

To remember that God has drawn my boundary lines was so essential to someone like me whose slowly paced life was becoming more of a burden than a blessing. To remember that God is and always will be my eternal hope which transcends this life made me conclude that my boundaries at the moment are pleasant

that little relationship principle

“The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.”
Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye

Tuesday last was our I Kissed Dating Goodbye series in our growing Earthen Vessels cell group.

Joshua Harris’ book brings a lot of memories to me. I praise God that I was able to read his books because they are a source of godly wisdom to me in a very important area of anyone’s life- the need for an intimate, fulfilling relationship with someone we love.But with that disclaimer gone, a lot of bad memories haunt me. These are memories brought about by my actions pre Joshua, and whenever I remember them, I wish that Joshua’s book was published when I was 18 hehehe.

So now that I am a thirty something woman who is more concerned with what God is doing in my career, I was amused by the idea of going over this wonderful book. I thought my cell servant must have Boy Meets Girl in her mind when she announced this series-considering that most of us in her cell really do not practice pointless, meaningless dating.But as always, God proved me wrong because the series we are having goes beyond reminding us of the fitfalls of just falling head over heels in love with someone without matching the feeling with the level of commitment that should accompany the same. No, the series is actually dealing with us where it hurts: the deceitfulness of our hearts: our sinful motives, desires and pride revealed in our principles re Christian dating and in undating the Christian guys who may want to be given a chance with us.

Last night I once again revisited the pain of saying no to the proposal from the boy from nyc because he does not share my faith in Christ and the way i chickened out in not explaining him that that was THE reason I cannot be in a relationship with him. That was one of my darkest moments as God’s child since, at that moment, I effectually renounced my affiliation with Christ because I was more concerned with how he will see me if he finds out I am born again…in fact, in the first place, I should not have led him on (well, obviously, my obstinate heart is slow to learn) but that is an altogether different blog entry.

Indeed, we believers carry a lot of baggage (if not garbage) from our past into this new Christian life that God so graciously enables His children to live. Apart from the grace of God and His propitiation of our sins, we would spend a lifetime on our own, using our own means atoning for them and still won’t be able to get rid of the guilt or the regret or find forgiveness….ah, the joy of God’s forgiveness! It is one of the many wonders (if not miracles) of a faith based solely on God’s Word.

So I was wrong- IKDG is applicable to me despite the fact that I am 31 and should know better. The Lord issued out a warning last night by revealing to me my propensity of making the wrong choices- of wanting intimacy with someone too little too soon, of wanting to engage in a deeper friendship without really wanting to be married to my Christian brother, of being floored with free movie tickets and dinner and free rides home- and my subtle albeit sinful “abilities” in making them all happen.

Though I still believe that my calling is to be a wife, I know in my heart that I am absolutely not yet a Proverbs 31 woman…. I am not really ready to give a level of commitment to last a lifetime. So seriously, I have no business wanting to be in close friendships and hanging out on harmless dates with male friends-Christians or not.

To outsiders, this declaration maybe seen as foolishness- making much ado about nothing, sorta Ben Affleck’s reaction in the tv show where he and Joshua appeared in. But he and millions like him makes IKDG’s biblical principles logical if not THE only choice-meaningless dating may be fun but like a hang over, it often leaves a bitter taste, even to the hardest of hearts- this should be especially true to believers who profess undying devotion and obedience to God and His ways. And I am no prude talking about something I have no idea about.

Considering that the God of the Bible is a loving, joyful, planning, intimate, personal God, I know that He has ordained love and romance and intimacy to be enjoyed by couples in love-but not while they are going out on dates or just hanging out or worse, hooking up…these things are to be enjoyed by couples who have committed themselves to spending an eternity with each other- in marriage. That is God’s context in inventing intimacy and commitment.

For the rest of us who are still single, His will is palpable in the writings of the wisest man who ever lived: Do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. (Songs of Solomon 3:5)When it comes to the affairs of the heart, we must rise above the world’s pleasure principle of if it feels good/if it makes you happy, just do it. As I have personally learned, falling in love when it is not the right time or with the right person has only one ending: a loud thud and a broken heart, and if you’re a Christian, a strained relationship with the loving Father who warns us and sets up standards for our good-and not to torture us.(Jeremiah 29:11).

Why risk losing a piece (or a million little pieces) when you can give it completely to someone who is there to catch you- though you are falling together at the same time?

window into a lovelorn heart

01.03.06:
“i will remember you,
will you remember me?”
sarah mclaughlan

Its been years since i last heard your deep soft voice warmly telling me stories- despite the cold winter weather-’99 was after all one of the coldest years in your state’s history.
lts been ages since i received your last message- but i still remember a word or two,perhaps more than i would care to admit.

I have gone to grad school, been in law shool for 4 years, done 6 months of bar review, took the bar and passed it, appeared in courts and made tons of pleadings but i still remember conversations we had, the names we used to call each other-i as the judge & you as counsel,that infamous ” insan” and yes, the “M” word as a term of endearment- like it just happened last month, or last monday.

I remember our history like it was yesterday-more vivid & alive than all the lectures i have heard since you vanished out of sight and left without a trace.
Its been a while since i last wondered whether there reallywas a YOU. Its been longer since i last day deam of running into you- inside a mall, or @ a Starbucks counter, and my all time favorite-at a Higher Rock sunday service.

lts been years since God asked me to give up on the idea of you and me finding each other and eventually ending up with each other and it was anything BUT easy.
Its been really a slow time for the reality to really hit me: you’re not real…but for years,yes,perhaps even as i write this-i held on to the idea of you, because you are all i ever would want the Lord to give as my half-if only you have been His, if only you are His- if there really was YOU in the first place.

But i remember you, especially on this date, when we found each other amidst the noise & chatter of a crowded room seven long years ago .. l remember you & i am warped in a time zone where my heart begins to pound like my chest can’ t contain it as you & i chalk for hours about nothing & everything.

I remember you and i smile at how pathetic and silly i still can be- law degree and all that crap society attach to the added four letters(and a dot haha) before my name…i remember you and i thank God for sparing me a more tragic ending other than a lovelorn heart.
l remember you enough to last me a lifetime. It is high time to place you were you belong-in my closed book somewhere deep in my memory…

But sometimes, i ask myself, if indeed you are real, if you are indeed true , do you sometimes pause and stop walking along wall street & remember me too???

dear john

YOU who are waiting on the world to change, you who are invincible, in this lifetime at least, had the fan in me re-born.

Today for the first time in more than 10 years, I was delighted to get a free artist’s poster, and I could not help but ask myself, “Why, liw, why?” Tuesday last, when I was trying to ask myself if I’m living my belief right, I bought your latest album-and so now I have all of them in my precious albeit small cd collection. Not contented, I even consumed an hour on the net hearing you sing and watching your interview-and there is nothing stupid at all about your sexy mouth.

We have many things in common, you and i: we both are good at forgetting, we plan to marry only once. Like you, I want my train to stop, even for just a pause so I could hold on to my youth for a second or two longer, i also loved Police Academy, and both our moms have told us to think before speaking. So Captain Backfire, are you looking for a first mate? Huh! Now that you are famous, i am certain that you will never hear my S.O.S or even have the luxury to read messages in bottles. Alas, with boys like you, I’m forever the woman on the side-unseen, unnoticed, unknown..YOU who painted a woman’s body as a wonderland without using any vulgar word, you who used a neon light as a metaphor for a girl, you who has given the word clarity a new meaning and made gravity sound so cruel, had me at hello-only you did not really said that word, your guitar pretty much did the talking and I instantly understood the depth of the cliché. More importantly, you made me forget my preoccupation with recollections left by the boy from n.y.c.-albeit only for a few hours of each day.

Am sure my “city like” looked as dashing as ever but unlike your Lydia, he has never called me up after a Friday dinner-which we never had- and which, now that we are miles away, we never will…but I, unlike you, can remember life before-and after- his name.

You whose dreams of walking home are similar to mine, you who romanticize years of old like I do, you who want to be as free as a child to dream and be like his favorite super hero, had me thinking of my own yellow lunch box and my crazy Wonder Woman jump-which ended with my left arm on a sling! So much for wanting to have fun and still be able to keep the home life. Yes, ’83 was a special year for me too but my idea of heaven is far grander than any of my years spent here on earth…So now, after years of obsessing, I can not believe I have more than your 3×5 but I have not taken the courage to paste your oversize poster up on my wall- I just can’t trust myself with liking you. So I will be content with your face in my cell phone… and your songs on my mp3 player. If only I did not hear your voice crying out how your wishful thinkings were all wrong-I could not have related too much and a love song for no one would not instantly be my life’s theme song-for a year or two.

But unlike you, I am neither jaded nor am I tired…neither do I want him (if there is one) to hurry, nor am I trying to find him….and I do not want myself going back to my old love who has long given up on me. But it is okay-I’ve turned off the light for him ages ago- that is how the wheel keeps working now, so you say.

You, yes you! Could two mature people really meet in a sand box? And if I pass you on a side walk, will you offer a smile for me? Or will you walk away as you look forward to slow dancing as if the room is burning with her presence…albeit the “her” is not me.

You who want her to check her pulse-are you listening to yours or are you too busy exploring the great outdoors now treating you like some kind of a legend-at 28! In that case, I guess I’ll just be content in hearing your voice giving advices to fathers and mothers like a sage and wish no more for you nor dream to learn you or long to see you upfront-or imagine you singing only heart with me in mind. Hahaha! I definitely am not myself right now-and it is sad to see you going gaga over jessica….but being stupid in love choices is to be expected of intelligent people, so says zafra…

Don’t worry, coz unlike you, nothing’s missing in my life, the Lord is more than enough for me. So I’m definitely alright-beyond today, beyond tomorrow, beyond December, yes, even on valentine’s…like you said John Mayer, I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for…and maybe, just maybe, I could be the one who can help you find the perfect rhyme with heavier things-unless there is really no such thing.